Lessons in Essential Dutchness

Dear Robin,

Perhaps you do not yet realise this - after all you are not yet even 16 months old - but you are Dutch, laddie. And being Dutch has implications. I would miserably fail my obligations as your grandfather, if I did not enlighten you about what being Dutch implies, quite apart from living in the most beautiful country in the world.



There are implications of being Duch that are gender neutral (meaning they apply to Dutcheroo's and to Dutcherina's alike) and there are some additional implications that hold true particularly - if not exclusively - for the male variety of that remarkable species.

Let's start with the general stuff:

Being a Dutch person (male or female) means that you are supposed to:

1. Be highly opinionated, fairly blunt and pretty damn sure of yourself and always have the last word, preferrably a sarcastic one
2. Passionately dislike and distrust Germans and consistently piss them off and pick a fight with them at every available opportunity
3. Studiously ignore the French, even while on holiday there (a favourite expression of Dutch tourists is: France is a great country. Too bad there are so many Frenchmen living there...)
4. Learn to ride a bicycle before the age of 3. As you grow into your teens, you will futher develop the skill of stealing someone else's bicycle as the logical reaction to discovering that your own has been stolen as well... Some smart university student once promoted on a research proving that if you wait long enough, your original own bicycle will invariably come back to you after (on average) 349,456 years, having been stolen and subsequently lost again by about every other bicycle owner in the country. It's called 'ownership rotation system'...
5. Learn to ice skate by the age of 4, preferably on frozen lakes or canals, and preferably covering riduclously long distances
   
6. Develop a taste for raw herring, covered in onion chips, which you MUST eat in the only socially acceptable way in Holland: On the street, cocking your head way back, holding the herring by the slippery tail, dangling it right above your wide open mouth and letting it slide straight down your throat
7. Live in a house where you spend a small fortune on expensive designer curtains, which you subsequently NEVER close, because otherwise passers-by who are walking their dogs can't see and be suitably impressed by or envious of the big flat screen TV that you have recently bought
8. Go on holiday all over Europe by car, dragging a humungus big caravan behind you

Being a Dutch boy, however, carries with it some additional 'essential Dutchness' requirements and obligations. As a Dutch boy, Robin, you are supposed to:

1. Play football (and I mean the variety that Americans call 'soccer', not that sissy sport of theirs where they wear shoulder and crotch padding and helmets, for Chrissakes...) and make sure you look good in an orange coloured shirt. This is a non-negotiable requirement, especially with a Dad and a grandfather like yours
2. Be the self-appointed personal and expert advisor to the unlucky devil who happens to be the coach of the Duch national football team and who simply doesn't 'get it'... Holland is the only country in the world where the entire male population is made up of 8 million qualified national coaches
3. Stick your finger in a hole in a dyke (and I don't mean the variety that would subsequently clobber you over the head with her handbag...) because that is what legend expects little Dutch boys to do
4. Pretend to ignore the fact that - as a species - your female counterparts (Dutch girls) are generally considered to be among the most beautiful in the world and pretend that you really couldn't care less (this is called the 'essential coolness' of being a Duch boy)
5. Be devoted and especially nice and kind to your mother, because not only does she have to deal with YOU, she also has to deal with your DAD, and two Dutch boys are more than any woman could possibly be expected to cope with

So there you have it, Robin, the secrets of your 'essential Dutchness'. Remember this simple little checklist of requirements and expectations, and you will fit right in.

Now be a good lad and get me a beer and a herring, will you?

Hugs from

Granddad Faraway